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November 5, 2004

Brilliant Disguise

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ryan Jones @ 12:00 am

This is not a topic set in the reader. It is a story that is loosely based off Bruce Springsteen?s song ?Brilliant Disguise?. I?ve supplied a link to the lyrics, and if you read them, it?s probably better to do it after the story.


http://queerslo.com/amp/events/category/show/ Brilliant Disguise

I met her in a line for a Radiohead concert. We were stuck there for hours and spent most of the time talking. I?ve never had trouble talking to girls before, I?m pretty damn used to it, but it wasn?t my usual formula of ?ask questions ? pretend like you care?. Yeah, she was a glamour, but she was smart too, and nice, which really struck me. She wasn?t like anyone I had ever met, yeah, cheesy as hell, but shit it was it true.

She was in university doing chemical engineering, and I was an apprentice plumber. That didn?t bother her at all. But I doubted it was just a lack of pretension. Actually, I started to wonder whether she had a secret. I guess I?m good looking too, but she was so damn smart and so damn nice I couldn?t figure out what she would be doing with me. There had to be a reason for it.

And the more I thought about it the more I was convinced. I tried to keep up with her too, I mean I did everything right. Things I would never have done. Opening car doors, calling her all the time, going to chick flicks that bored the crap out of me. But there was something there that I couldn?t put my finger on. Something that I had to figure out in order to make sense of the relationship. I had long figured out she was far too good for me. I mean she cared about everyone, went to a private school, got on with her parents, hell, her original parents were still together. I just couldn?t believe it all, you know? When I looked at her, I just didn?t know if it was really her I saw, or some brilliant disguise.

Even as the months went past I could never get comfortable. We shouldn?t have been compatible but we were. And I loved her – a lot. She loved me too. I asked my mates what they thought but she had never spent a lot of time around them, neither had I since we got together, I hadn?t been to the pub in months, so they were no help. I knew there had to be a reason, but I couldn?t figure it out. Had she been messed up as a kid? Was she a tourist, a slummer? Maybe she was one of those girls who can?t be alone and I happened to be in the right place at the right time?

I knew how I felt but I really didn?t want to let her go. I had done so much for her. Not just superficial stuff either, like buying flowers, opening car doors and being nice to her parents. I would talk with her about my feelings. I was different, you know? It was a struggle for me, but think I did everything right. But I couldn?t figure out why she was with me. I was starting to think I never would. But I did.

Then I ended it. She was upset, a lot more upset then I would have thought, but I knew it was better in the long run. Because I had figured it out. I knew who she really was. She was herself. That wasn?t the problem. The problem was the person she was in love with. It wasn?t me. It was the person I was trying to be. My brilliant disguise.

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