Ryan Jones Blog – dotCULT.com Ryan Jones Blogs About Internet Culture, Marketing, SEO, & Social Media

September 21, 2005

Laughing Out Loud

Filed under: Main — Ryan Jones @ 11:23 pm

News Flash: (AOL Time Warner – San Francisco, CA) – AOL officials announced today that the period was officially banned on their network.

“No one uses it anymore anyway, lol ” stated Steve Case, AOL chairman and CEO. “Instead, we will officially use the acronym “lol” as the termination character set for a sentence lol ”

Many users praised the move in IM policy as a blessing. ” AFAIK It’s just more natural to to type ” lol ” than a stupid period lol IMHO AOL is showing their supreme l33tness by staying on top of popular internet trends ROFLOL” added frequent user PiXi69.

In response to the change, elite AOL members (sometimes referred to as Hax0rz or l4m3rz) have begun using alternate endings such as: ROFL, ROFLOL, ROFLMAO, ROFLOLBAG, ROFPML, LTIP, and the vulgar version: LMFAO.

“When we got down to it we were faced with a tough choice, ” said Case who was forced to choose between using ” lol ” or ” j/k ” as the end of the sentence. “It was a hard decision to make but in the end “lol” seemed the obvious choice. Typing ” j/k ” just seemed too hard, and we didn’t want our users to have to look at their keyboard all the time to find the / button lol”

Along with the press release, AOL Time Warner also issued a 12 page document on the proper uses of “lol”.

“Where the period simply defined the end of a sentence, lol is more universal,” noted AOL spokesperson Cathy Thompson.” Lol can be used after a question mark, after an exclamation point, or really anywhere in a sentece lol, this universal attribute allows our users to really get their thoughts across without explicitly having to type them out lol”.

Despite talks, AOL has not issued a statement regarding the rumored decision about changing the ; button to 😉 “In my 10+ years as CEO, I’ve never seen anyone use the ; for reasons other than making smilies, so why not just eliminate a keystroke and make typing simpler lol ” said Case who declined to comment on whether or not this change would take effect in the near future.

So what’s next on AOL’s roadmap? “We are currently in negotiations with Harvard Press and the New York Times, along with Webster Inc., to officially purchase the english language lol” cited Case at a recent technology conference in Las Vegas called ‘Loving AOL More Everyday’ (LAME). Supporters of the proposal to purchase english cite the fact that cultural resources like language and religion are always better handled by large, uncaring corporations.

“Imagine what integration of IM words into english would mean in everyday life lol” noted tech analyst Roger Dumphres. “We could save the government a lot of money by firing all english teachers and simply letting the kids spell phonetically like they do online lol ” Other contenders to purchase the english language are Microsoft, who seeks to complicate it further and then re-release it as a standard, and the RIAA, who plans to collect royalties on every word spoken.

A new AOL – Microsoft partnership is expected soon as negotiations with Microsoft are under way to convert the little used right click key to a “lol” key, thus decreasing the total amount of typing by some 37%.

September 12, 2005

Beer Turns Men Into Women

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ryan Jones @ 12:00 am

Ontario, CA (9/12/05) — Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned

September 5, 2005

Bulletin

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ryan Jones @ 12:00 am

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I’m certain that isn’t feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It’s not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING:

That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I’m not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the f___ing h _ll didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He’s not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:

So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:

He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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