September 26, 2023

If Google Was a 13 Year Old

Happy 13th Birthday Google

Happy Birthday Google! According to Google’s homepage logo today, Google has officially turned 13. That got me thinking, what would happen to Google if it actually started acting like a teenager?

If Google were actually a 13 year old:

  1. Results about girls would be given a significant ranking boost.
  2. Occasionally a search results page would simply return “I don’t feel like doing that, leave me alone”
  3. The homepage design would be a different background color every week.
  4. teh s34rch rslts wuld luk lyk dis.
  5. did you mean.. suggestions would be replaced by OMG NOOB!!11!! lrn2 spell.
  6. Instead of a captcha for too many searches, Google would require you to drive it to the mall.
  7. Google would over-react to rejected buyout offers with thoughts of bankruptcy.
  8. The length of results returned would suddenly increase, almost overnight.
  9. New product: Google Porn!
  10. It would constantly be trying to act like the older, more mature Yahoo – while wanting nothing to do with the younger Bing.
  11. Senators would be grandstanding about protecting the Google.

Let’s hear your suggestions. Now that Google is 13 and a teenager, what would be different if it actually were a teenager? (I was tempted to include some lines about plus, gmail, youtube, etc but those services aren’t actually 13 today – just the search engine)

Leave your suggestions in the comments and I’ll update this post with the best ones.

About Ryan Jones

Ryan Jones is an SEO from Detroit. By day he works as a manager of SEO & Analytics at SapientNitro where his team performs SEO for Fortune500 clients. By night he's either playing hockey or attempting to take over the world with his own websites - which he would have already succeeded in doing had it not been for those meddling kids and their dog. The views expressed here have not been paid for and belong only to Ryan, not any of his employers or clients. Follow Ryan on Twitter at: @RyanJones, add him on Google+ or visit his personal website:


  1. As a dad of three monsters who turn geekier day by day, I could imagine new products like ‘search by SMS / tweet / FB update’ or an extension to checkout/wallet that allows kids to impersonate their parents for example. Also, Google Games is a must have.